my promise to myself

I have literally been going insane this past week over why my blog feed was not working, but now it is and I am all giddy and stuff.

GIDDY, I TELL YOU!

I know I haven’t blogged much over the past few months – over the past year, really – but the truth is that I haven’t been doing much of anything at all.  I make no secret of the fact that I spend my days playing video games and watching every television show I can get my hands on.  When I get bored, I get depressed (( like the Why am I even alive? and What’s the point in living? kind of depressed )) so I try to keep my mind occupied.  There are more reasons why I try to keep my attention on non-important things, but I really don’t want to get into those here.  I’m not very adept at dealing with stress.  Any form of stress usually results in me breaking down in tears of frustration, helplessness, and anger; and with those feelings comes the overwhelming sense of anxiety screaming from inside me that everything is bad and nothing can ever be good again.  I don’t know why I feel these things, but I do know that they’ve basically stopped me from living my life.  I’m at a stand-still while everyone else is moving forward.

The other day I read this and it really made me take a hard look at the way I’ve been living.  I do not enjoy hearing about other people’s pain, ever – even if it is someone I dislike immensely – and I do not take any comfort in knowing that someone else is going through anything like I have been going through.  It does not make me feel any less alone.  There is often nothing we can do for ourselves, let alone one another.

But I don’t want this blog today to be about how miserable I’ve been.  I’m working very hard to have a brighter outlook on life these days, and what I want to write today is a promise to myself.  I’m promising myself that I will write more, because writing makes the whole world seem a little sunnier.  I’m promising myself that I will try very hard to get out of the mindset that my life will begin once *this* happens.  I’m a perfectionist.  The downside of being a perfectionist is that I don’t want to do anything unless I can do it 100% right and 100% right away, so the end result is that I usually wind up doing nothing at all.  And that’s exactly what I have to stop doing with my life: nothing.  I’ve tried so many times over the past decade to learn how to Let Go, people tell me all the time that I need to Let Go.

What does that even mean?

Maybe I have control issues, and maybe I like my control issues.  Maybe I’m a little to comfortable in my discomfort and misery, but things are going to start changing for me because I’m going to make them change.  I’m not going to sit around (metaphorically, I’ll probably still sit around a lot) waiting for something good to happen so that I can move on.  I’m just going to move on so things can start to get better.

That’s my promise to myself.

Tagged as: anxiety, change, Life, perfectionism, stress and anxiety